A trial separation is something to think about.In a marriage where you don't feel like there is an alternative, you need to bring it up with your partner.It might not be a huge surprise to your partner, but it could still be an emotional shock.
Step 1: Take care of your spouse.
You don't want to overlook the person.Alerting your spouse that you want to have a discussion can help him or her mentally prepare for what's to come, even if they aren't aware of exactly what you're going to say."I would like to discuss where our relationship is headed," you could say.Can we talk about it soon?It helps to know that something's up.It's a good idea to sit down in person.You don't want to have this conversation over the phone or email.When your spouse has time and emotional space to deal with it, this conversation needs to happen in person.You don't want to be distracted.If you have kids, it's a good idea to have someone babysit.Timing is everything and you don't want to put it off.If your spouse's parent died last week, you may want to wait.
Step 2: You can express your hopes and fears.
It's best to just get it over with, even if you want to circle around the topic.You have to take responsibility for why you want this separation.You need to tell your partner why you want to separate.The discussion should be about what you want.I feel we are growing apart, and I don't think we've been in the same place recently.I would like to discuss the possibility of a trial separation.Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings."If we go on like this we will fight and argue our way to divorce, and I hope that spending some time apart will help us see what our options are without ruining each other in the process."
Step 3: Determine what you want from the separation.
You need to let your spouse know what you expect from the separation now that you've broached the topic.Being in the same page helps guide your expectations through the separation.If you think the separation is a stepping stone to a divorce, you could say, "I'm just trying to figure out what I want right now."I could see this leading to a more permanent separation if things don't change.If you want the separation to be a time to think with the hopes of reconciliation, you should not ask for it.I think we need some time apart to figure out how to move forward in our relationship because I don't think things have been right between us for a while.I want to work it out and hopefully get back together after our time apart.
Step 4: Give your spouse time to react.
Even if your spouse knows you've been having problems as a couple, this conversation may be hard to take.As his or her first reaction is likely to be emotional, let your spouse have a chance to react.It's a good idea to give your spouse a chance to discuss it with you.Once your spouse has gotten over the initial shock, start asking questions, such as, "So what do you think?"Do you think it's a good idea?It's possible that your spouse is on the same page, but your partner may not want that all.
Step 5: Discuss your goals
You will need things from each other to make your marriage work.If you've done your homework, you already know what you need from your partner, but he or she will also have some for you.These goals need to be specific and concrete."Be less distant" isn't concrete enough."Check in with me at least 2 times a day" is more specific.Listen to what your partner needs as well.You should have goals for the other person.Agree that you will work on the goals without looking over the other person's shoulder.You can't blame the other person for not achieving their goals.
Step 6: Decide on ground rules.
You need to have another discussion about the rules of the separation once you've talked about it.You have to decide if you're going to live apart, how the bills will be paid, and who will take care of the kids.Whether dating is allowed and how far you can go on a date should be discussed.If you expect to get back together, you may decide not to date or have sex.The rules will need to be specific.If you're talking about who gets to spend what time with the kids, you need to tell them what days and nights of the week they will spend with each party.If you get a divorce, remember that the ground rules you set for a separation may affect what happens.If your kids are living with one parent or the other, that parent may be granted primary custody.Make sure your ground rules are fair to both of you and your kids by talking to a lawyer.There are some ground rules that you may need help with.You're going to have to compromise on the rules if you want to get back together.Put your rules in writing.It is possible to make sure everyone is on the same page.
Step 7: Don't allow it to go on.
Establish a time limit for your separation.3 months, half a year, or a full year is what it could be.You can let it go for longer if you set a limit on how long it will be.You don't want to keep dragging it out.It may be time to end the marriage if you keep asking for more time.It may not be worth it if neither of you are willing to fight for the relationship anymore.
Step 8: A therapist is something to consider.
A therapist can help if you're having enough trouble to want a separation.A therapist can help you find common ground and discuss your problems without getting too heated.Both of you will have to put your relationship first in order for a therapist to expect you to be emotionally present.Ask your friends for recommendations for a couple's therapist.Some of your friends have had problems, too, and may have seen someone who is good for you and your spouse.It's harder for the two of you to be objective about something than it is for a therapist.You should suggest your partner to go to a therapist.A pastor is an option for a mediation.I think it's important that we talk to a mediator, given all I've said about a separation.I wanted to see if a couple's therapist could help us sort out some of our problems.I want to make this work, but I think we could use some help.
Step 9: Get an attorney.
It's important that you have a lawyer when you're separated.Ask your friends who have been through a divorce if they have any recommendations for lawyers.If you do get a divorce, a lawyer will explain the legal ramifications to you.If you need a mediation, your lawyer can act as one.There are online reviews of lawyers that most people have been happy with.You should meet with the lawyer before engaging him or her as your personal lawyer.Ask the lawyer how often they've worked with people on a trial separation and if they are willing to act as a mediator.You want to make sure you have a good relationship with your lawyer.It's important to remember that what you do in your separation can affect your divorce.What you decide about who takes care of the kids now can be used to decide who gets custody of your kids.
Step 10: Continue to talk with each other.
You won't be able to work through your problems if you have a trial separation without talking.If you want to get back together, you need to talk to a third party about your problems.It's possible to talk on the phone twice a week.It's a good idea to address specific issues when you talk.Talking on the phone reduces the emotional charge in the situation.If you're really emotional, you might want to start with emails and move up to phone calls.You can continue to connect with each other if you engage a therapist or visit with a pastor.
Step 11: Don't let it go to yourself.
It's appropriate to tell your friends and family that you've separated.It's not the time to make a big announcement on social media.Having the whole world weigh in isn't going to help you decide if things will work out.There should be a good therapist between you and your spouse.
Step 12: Take care of your feelings.
You feel like something is not right with the relationship.You have to be able to put your finger on why.You need to think about what went wrong with the relationship.Whether you still have fun together and laugh is one of the areas you can think about.Sex can cause problems.You can look at the way you communicate.Is communication broken down in your marriage?Can you tell me where it broke down?Consider how you care for each other.Happy couples like to do things for each other.It could be that your spouse isn't holding up her end of the marriage if you find that you are doing all the work in the relationship.
Step 13: It should be possible to lay it out in concrete terms.
You have figured out why you are unhappy.To be fair to your spouse, you need to know what's not working for you.Once you figure out what's wrong, the best way to do that is to give concrete goals and ask for the same in return.Maybe you're unhappy because you don't feel like your spouse pays attention to you anymore.At a minimum, the goal would be to spend time together at least twice a week.You can discuss your goals with your spouse by coming up with 3 to 4 concrete goals.
Step 14: You have to decide what to do with the separation.
Do you think you'll get a divorce after the separation?It's something you need to be aware of.If you really want a separation to help you decide if you still want to be in the relationship, it's okay to bring that to the table as well.
Step 15: Take a time frame in mind.
A trial separation can have a certain time frame.When the time frame is up, the couple can either get back together or divorce.You should have a time frame in mind when you talk to your spouse, along with a good justification for the amount of time you're talking about.Half a year is better for figuring out your feelings.You may want to separate for 3 months to give your spouse time to go through rehabilitation.You can choose to divorce at the end of the period if they don't.After the time period, you can reexamine.You can agree to another length of time if you're still unsure.