No one, not even a close friend, can take away the pain and sadness of someone who has died.There is an unpredictable range of feelings caused by grief.If you are a friend, you may feel awkward interacting with the grieving person and worry that you will say the wrong thing.Being there for your friend is the best thing that you can do.You can help your friend through the grieving process by showing compassion, understanding, and kindness.
Step 1: Reach out to them frequently.
Most people who are grieving don't need grand gestures or bold statements of support.They need a lot of small reminders that you are there for them.You should get in touch with them at least as frequently as you did before you died.Affirmations of presence, availability, and compassion can be made.Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you.Please get in touch whenever you want, I'm here for you.I wanted to check in to see how you are doing.Can't imagine how hard it is for you right now.
Step 2: If they need a friend, make yourself available.
You clearly state that you are available whenever it is possible for you to be there for them.If you are willing to have them call or text you, say so: "Call me anytime you need me, and I mean anytime."It may not be possible for you to be on call 24/7.If possible, arrange with others in your friend group to provide full coverage.If you want the grieving person to know that someone will respond no matter the time, you may want to set up an "SOS" system.
Step 3: If you want to help in general, offer to do specific things.
It is tempting to say, "If there's anything I can do, please let me know", but you should also say that you know things will be helpful.I would like my kids to help me rake up the leaves for you.If they decline your specific offer, you can make a general one.Is there something else you would like to help with?If there isn't right now, you can always call me.
Step 4: Let them grieve in their own way.
The process of grief is very individualized.Don't assume that there is a "right" or "wrong" way to experience it.During the ups, downs and in-betweens of their grieving process, show your love and support by sticking with your friend.If you are friends with a couple who lost a child, don't expect them to have the same grief processes.Do your best to be supportive in each case and accept the validity of each person's grief.The theory of the 5 stages of grief was originally intended for people facing their own death, and has been largely discredited as a way to describe the grief process of a loved one.
Step 5: Be ready to listen and ask how they are.
Don't ask a grieving friend "How are you doing?" if you're not prepared to hear them out.Asking how they are feeling is one of the simplest things you can say when someone passes away, but you have to really mean it for it to be helpful.They may want to talk about their feelings for 20 minutes, they may not say much, or they might just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on.Give them what they need.Aim for a compassionate tone and caring look on your face when you ask Steve.How are you?
Step 6: Acknowledge their feelings.
You don't know how your friend is feeling after the death of a loved one.Their grief is not the same as yours, and the timing and process of their path will be different.You don't want to say that you know how they feel.Don't say the following: "I know how you feel."I was a wreck when my father died.Say something like this: "I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but you'll start to feel better in a couple months."My father died in one of the toughest times of my life.Take whatever time you need to process your feelings.
Step 7: They should talk about the dead loved one.
If your friend prefers using terms like passed away or is no longer with us, you should use them in a different way.Mention the deceased person's name or family title a lot when talking about them.For instance, instead of saying, "I can't imagine how much this loss hurts", you could say "Dan's death must hurt."Follow their lead again.
Step 8: Don't try to make them feel better.
There aren't any words that can take away your friend's pain.Don't try to find ways that will make them feel better, instead offer words of compassion, care, and love.Even if your friend shares your religious or spiritual perspective, don't say that the person is in a better place or that at least their pain is gone.They might feel like you are de-legitimizing their grief.Don't try to minimize the loss they feel by saying things like "at least you still have your sister" or "you're still young and have plenty of time to have another child."You can't say anything along the lines of "You really need to get over this"
Step 9: You should keep an eye on it after the initial aftermath of the death.
A lot of people will offer their sympathies during the days and weeks following the death.Most of them will probably feel like it's time to move on within a month.Continue to offer your support for as long as is necessary.There is no plan for how long you should stay.For as long as it feels like your friend needs it, keep doing it.Your friend's grief will never stop.It is a large commitment.Being a true friend is more than that.
Step 10: You can be more supportive if you identifytrigger days and situations.
Surges in your friend's grief can be caused by certain days, like the birthday of the deceased, their favorite holidays, and the anniversary of their death.When your friend really needs you to be, be even more compassionate, caring, and helpful.Feelings of grief can be triggered by things like visiting a hospital, passing a bad accident scene, or hearing about a violent incident on the news.Your friend may prefer distraction, for instance, going to lunch and a movie with you, on their trigger days, they may want to reminisce and talk about the deceased person, or both.
Step 11: Encourage grief counseling after the loss of a loved one.
Even though the obvious signs of grief have largely disappeared, it still leaves a scar.It is helpful to go to grief counseling immediately after a loved one dies, as well as continuing counseling for years afterwards, or even starting it for the first time after the loss.Don't say "You really need to go to grief counseling to help you get over this." Instead, be compassionate and supportive.I can drive you to the sessions if you would like, and I would be happy to look into some options for you.
Step 12: Building a new friendship with them is the best way to accept their new reality.
After the death of a loved one, your friend will be different in some ways and the same in others.Things will never return to the way they used to be.Work on building a new relationship based on their life after loss.It's an opportunity to become even more compassionate and caring.It is possible that your friendship may decline or that you may drift apart completely.Accept the path that your relationship takes, but focus on being a good friend with every opportunity.Being a good friend can mean letting go of a friendship.